Its A Beginning After An End

I'm drowning back on e thoughts when i wanted to model myself after someone who has it all in life. Not a high-achiever per say, but more so of someone who has it going. someone who won't be talked about 4 e wrong reasons but rather because she succeed in doing something beneficial to herself. glorified by e admirations of others.

i guess, i'm not that person anymore.

That whole game plan changed. U can never really say time changes a person. rather circumstances and social influences. i knew i grew up. n u can say in mths i did. it was a struggling realisation to stop being someone who always fear e consequences or regretting e decisions made. thts because i nvr ever had decisions of my own. i chose not to have any. fear again puts me in tht perspective. so i let my parents think for me. i wanted to feel safe. tht whatever happens in future won't leave me hating myself because i chose it. i have someone else to blame 4 it. i'm selfish tht way.

i ventured out.this time.something done more from e heart than e mind. i wanted to entrust myself to another being. for e closest thing u want. is to hear e softest breathing in e person next to u. i wanted to feel that connection.4 e 1st time i wanted to take a risk being fully aware of how much shit it would get me. my mum had tears rolling down her cheeks. n there n then i forgot how selfish i was again. i was still e same old person.

I want to go back to e time where i sobbed cause i wasn't allowed to go to my cousin's place to stay over. n naively harbour tht secret crush.